View Full Version : I need help with my 7 yr old dd
12-14-2009, 12:11 AM
She has always been a high spirited kiddo (thats the pc term, yeah??). She was a high needs baby which drove me batty...cause she was my first and I was a bit young and screwed all kinds of things up. Lets just say that I think she'd be a different kid entirely if I had thought it was okay to cosleep back then (or attachment parent all together).
She turns 7 tomorrow. She was supposed to have a birthday party today with friends and family. Not only did that not happen, but she also spent the day picking up poop in the backyard (like the WHOLE day). She also had to write a note to her teacher explaining why she would not be allowed to bring in treats for her birthday.
So here's why all of the above: lying and TONS of it. Stealing to a degree. More lying. Just plain and obvious disobedience. She used her lunch credits to buy breakfast one morning (she always gets breakfast but her friend asked her to go with him and she did) so we owed a balance. She wasn't in trouble but we explained she was only to buy lunch on days she was told to. Fine. Well then, we end up getting a robo call a couple months later that she owes a balance of $1.25. I send her to school the next day with $3 (eoughh for lunch and the balance owed). BIG convo about what was required of her, etc. I ask her when she gets home, did she give the $$ to lunch lady, she says yes. BUT I get another robocall saying I now owe $3 :getya:. She says, oh oops, its in my desk. I say no way, where is it really, she finally admits to spending it at the student store (after she lied about 5 times first). So we have a meeting with the principal where she is required to apologize, more explanations of rules, new rules, etc. Oh, but she does it again 3 days later, slightly different scenarion since she no longer gets lunch money or school lunch...more lies, etc. Finally admits to the wrong doing. Consequences above.
We are very conservative parents who don't take any crap. Consequences for every action, diligence and follow through, yadayadayada.
So anyway, she just lies SO MUCH and about stupid stuff or important stuff, doesn't matter. We have tried very hard to be reasonable as long as the truth is told. To make matters worse, my hubby works in law enforcement, I grew up in law enforcement and we may be more sensitive to what happens to liars when they grow up.
I just need some insight. I am so tired of being disappointed with her. Every time I have a new idea to try and let her earn money for the student store or for whatever, she beats me to it by messing up.
12-14-2009, 01:19 AM
You know, we just came through a situation almost exactly the same with my DS, who is the same age. Almost exactly the same, using lunch money for breakfast, lying about it. We caught him in a few more minor lies too. We took away a privilege that he was really excited about. We hated to do it. But, he hasn't done it since. It has been a couple of months now. He still remains on a very short leash though. Not alot of time away from us so he can't get into trouble.
I don't know if something like that will work for your family, but I did want to say I know how you feel! It is funny how similar the stories are.
12-14-2009, 01:26 AM
same situatio n here-ds is the same age too. I have started making him write sentences-killing two birds with one stone since his writing needs improvement. The lying kills me-its all stupid stuff.
12-14-2009, 01:33 AM
first off, i dont think youve screwed her up.
second off, just offering hugs since youve already heard all of my advice :hugs:
lol. sorry shes being a pain liana
12-14-2009, 05:38 AM
You have no idea how comforting it is to hear that it seems to be 'typical' poor behavior. Huge. Relief. I was thinking maybe we should consider counseling. I'll hold off on the overreaction train for a bit :giggle:
I guess I'm on the right track then...she is on a short leash. We cross check everything she says and doesn't have much oppurtunity to mess up anymore these days. We'll see if she changes her ways over the next few weeks.
12-14-2009, 05:44 AM
Been there done that with mine (same age).
You seem paranoid like me ... "OH NO! THE KID IS LIEING! PRISON IN THE FUTURE!!!" :giggle:
12-14-2009, 04:27 PM
I don't think she needs help other than you and your husband. It sounds like you are doing a fine job of raising her, she's just at the age to start testing the waters. The short leash seems like a good idea.
We make our kids face the consequences of their actions and I feel that makes responsible kids. It also teaches them not to do it again or at least I hope. My 9 yr. old went through the lying stage, and I see my 5 yr. old starting up.
Here's a hug, cause kids don't get any easier!:bighug:
12-14-2009, 04:55 PM
I have a 7 year old DS. He has Asperger's so lying is very against his nature, but he has been trying to find creative ways out of consequences. Like he'd "forget" his folder and when I'd ask what color he's on he'd say, "Can we just say I'm on green?" or he wouldn't mention it at all if I didn't ask.
I had a talk with him about telling the truth and trust. If he led me to believe he was on green when he was really on yellow, pink or red I wouldn't trust him anymore. If he ever forgot his folder and really was on green, I wouldn't believe him. So the rule was, until he earned my trust again, anytime he forgot his folder, I'd assume he was on red, which meant no privileges that night. There were a few times he was on green but forgot his folder and boy-oh-boy... meltdown city! It really has helped him tell the truth even though he'll have immediate consequences because he doesn't want to lose my trust again. Now I just have to work on his attitude because his tone when he's unhappy about telling the truth is not good.
12-20-2009, 02:26 PM
I'm going to suggest this since you seem to be at your wits end.
Friends of my parents used this on their daughter. She lied and her parents sat her down and said "sometimes soon we're going to start lying to you and we're going to lie to you for a whole week."
They didn't tell her when and they waited until she'd pretty much forgotten about it and then it started. They lied to her about what they'd be doing. They lied to her about what they'd be eating. They lied about going to do something fun when really they'd pull weeds. They didn't always lie, but they lied most of the time so that she didn't know what she could trust. Basically they made her feel about them how they felt about her to help her see how lying breaks trust.
At the end of more than a week (they lied about that too) they had another sit down and asked her how it had made her feel. Apparently it was a good and productive conversation because she didn't lie again.
My rule of thumb (I've used on my young kids and with the teenagers that we've fostered) is that they may still get in trouble but the lying will get them into much, much worse trouble. It seems like you're already there. With the foster kids it takes a little while to get it through their heads that they're safe and it's okay to tell the truth, but that does not seem to be your problem.
I hope you can find something that works for you! Again, not necessarily suggesting you do this, just giving it to you as an option to consider.
12-20-2009, 03:00 PM
Just a question and forgive me if its already been said, can you just write checks in the future? My mom never let us take cash for school lunch because its way too tempting. She always wrote out a check to give the lunch lady.
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12-20-2009, 08:55 PM
We've been dealing with this lately too (7 yr old DD). I try to put a TON of emphasis on the lying gets you into even bigger trouble thing. She lies about really silly stuff, like if she brushed her teeth. I can walk into the bathroom and see a dry toothbrush and sink. Since I know she lies about it constantly, I'll just ask her if she's sure, then give her the opportunity to correct it before I check myself. She almost always goes and does it the second time. We also make a big deal out of it when she tells the truth about something, even if faced with a consequence.
I wouldn't send her with lunch money either. Any situation you can eliminate the chance to lie will just make life easier for you.
12-22-2009, 01:06 AM
I think it's really a stage. DSD is 10 and still does. It's usually about stupid stuff or she just tries to "hide" the truth. DS1 is 6 and will lie about getting in trouble at school but when I say something like, "you know, even if you are lying to mommy, God still knows the truth" :giggle: He will fess up quickly. DSD will lie to no end until you prove she is lying. I hope that's not a sign of what's to come! She "forgets" a lot to. Really annoying to me. Are these what you call growing pains because if so, I'm feeling them worse than my kids!!
12-23-2009, 05:02 PM
DD1 did it at times back when she was 7 too. She's 9 now and it's not as bad, I can't really think of when she actually lied last come to think of it.
Her thing now though is just clamming up when she's upset. I want her to be able to voice her feelings. More so at home around the people she should trust and confide in the most KWIM?
I haven't had too much trouble with DD2 yet, who is 6. Though I do catch her in stupid lies sometimes. "Now Sis.. are you sure? Lying is one of the worst things you could do. It'll get you in WAY more trouble than telling the truth will" usually she'll fess right up. It's usually silly crap that I'm GUESSING she figures will get her into huge trouble? Or maybe it's just the getting into trouble in general.. no one REALLY wants to get into trouble.. So I'm guessing at the 6-8yo range they're realizing it more and more.
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