A good reason to leave your partner...

Roxyrocks · #1 03-23-2009, 06:06 PM

I have a question for the people on here that has one of the parent's staying home(I know there is some daddy's that SAH too

)

If the person that stayed at home was a slob and didn't clean or really cook. They took care of the kids but honestly that was about it. Mostly just watched TV/sat on the internet.

Would this be a breaking point? Would this be a reason to leave someone?

I ask because I was on another forum *lurking* (not the other CD site) and there was a Mom on there that DH told her she needed to clean up her act(LITERALLY!) or he was going to have to make a tough decision.

She doesn't clean and her house was honestly seriously unorganized and messy stuff piled everywhere, dishes all over(he had to clean a dish to get a drink/or eat), she would only vacumes once in a great while, she couldn't remember the last time her house was completely clean, clothes were just piled up everywhere, she doesn't really cook for him when he gets home and usually he has to cook, and that is just a few tidbits from her thread.

Her DH made a comment all she does is watch TV and goes online all day & she was pissed off. Also her DH works around 45-50hrs a week

She posted pics of her home and honestly it was seriously messy

I was sort of shocked she posted them & keep in mind I am NO clean freak by any means

Is this a breaking point?

I honestly think SAH is a full time job and it can be overwhelming because you just cant "go home" at the end of the day but with that said I think if you SAH you should maintain your home. Chad cooks for me a lot when I am nursing Max & also picks up the house, but I do most of it because I SAH and I

being a SAHM

Thoughts....

I was going to show the pics but honestly it is a local message board and it is private your not suppose to take stuff on there and I want to play by the rules

4chixmama · #2 03-23-2009, 06:10 PM

Yeah, I don't think it's right that she doesn't do anything because she's watching tv or on the internet all the time.

HugnKiss · #3 03-23-2009, 06:10 PM

i don't know that it would be my breaking point, but different things for different people. I thin the girl could be depressed and even if not, staying at home is HARD, no matter what you do. the isolation is maddening and sometimes doing the same thing OVER AND OVER again (cleaning, playing with the kids, cooking dinner, doing laundry) is really tough and unless you've done it, you really just can't understand. I don't think this should be a breaking point, nor do i think he should just let it go. talk about it, go to therapy if needed, etc. i guess what i'm saying is that both sides need to step back and look and see the other person's point of view...

pinkflamingos77 · #4 03-23-2009, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mia&seansmom

i don't know that it would be my breaking point, but different things for different people. I thin the girl could be depressed and even if not, staying at home is HARD, no matter what you do. the isolation is maddening and sometimes doing the same thing OVER AND OVER again (cleaning, playing with the kids, cooking dinner, doing laundry) is really tough and unless you've done it, you really just can't understand. I don't think this should be a breaking point, nor do i think he should just let it go. talk about it, go to therapy if needed, etc. i guess what i'm saying is that both sides need to step back and look and see the other person's point of view...

agree

kwootten2 · #5 03-23-2009, 06:14 PM

Sounds like depression to me- I don't think that should be a breaking point.

Roxyrocks · #6 03-23-2009, 06:14 PM

I wondered about the depress thing too and there was OP that asked her about that and she said she just dosent *like* housework and it just has gotten out of control and know it is too hard to get back in control....and I can relate to that when things get out of control its hard to get ahold of the rains again

Sometimes people dont realize they are depressed too

I will say SAHM is the hardest thing I have done. People think its easy but it really isn't I honestly think working at nurse would be easier some days

pinkflamingos77 · #7 03-23-2009, 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roxyrocks

I will say SAHM is the hardest thing I have done. People think its easy but it really isn't I honestly think working at nurse would be easier some days

I agree with this 100% and i get so tired having to explain this to people.

JDT · #8 03-23-2009, 06:20 PM

I have stayed home with my kids, worked out of the house and worked from home. I totally get how you can feel bored and trapped being with kids day in and day out. With that said - if I was her DH she'd either have to clean up her act or give a job or i might just be out.

I can't stand a messy house and have little to no patience for stuff like you described.

Archymomma · #9 03-23-2009, 06:20 PM

I was wondering about PPD - that was the first thing that came into my head. What were her cleaning tendancies pre-kiddos?

I would say that isn't my breaking point - If that was how the person was pre-kids/pre-marriage...well then you married into it and should find a way to work through it. If it is something that started with kiddos/staying home - then I would seriously think about talking so someone about PPD - because it can get worse and it doesn't necessarily manifest right away when having a baby.

hippydippymama · #10 03-23-2009, 06:27 PM

I wouldn't just up and leave someone because they didn't know how to keep house. I would first rule out any possibilities of depression or other illnesses that could impede motivation or energy. Then I would seek help for them with some kind of program like Flylady, or even just have a friend or family member come by and physically show them how to do laundry, wash dishes, and give them advice on how to stay on top of it all. Some people honestly just don't know how to maintain a household and they need help to learn!

I think it is even worse if you grew up in that kind of environment, where your own parents didn't do anything or you wre never given any responsbilities/were spoiled, etc. I have a friend whose cats crap everywhere and will sit on her butt watching TV and throwing dirty diapers in the general vicinity of the trash pail cuz she is too lazy to get up. Her parents spoiled her and she never learned how to do simple chores, she never HAD to because they did everything for her.

It's definitely not easy and sometimes it gets so bad that you don't even know where to start and would rather just pretend it's not there than deal with it. The struggle to keep up with housework can be maddening and I can see how easy it would be to just give up. BUt after all avenues have been tried and my spouse STILL just wants to sit there and not lift a finger to at least try to keep the house, then yes, I would leave. If the tables were turned and I was the one keeping the house and my SO would rather sit on his butt than go get a job, then that would be grounds for leaving too.

klen · #11 03-23-2009, 06:29 PM

I can't stand a messy house, so that would bother me. I have to say that I only work part time & do the majority of the cooking & cleaning but my husband helps out around the house when he's there. Right now when we vacuum someone has to entertain the kid because he's all over the vacuum & he'll get hurt. If we don't let him ride the vacuum then he's screaming, so it really is a big ordeal that I can't just do by myself.

I don't think it's a breaking point though. I think the husband needs to gently encourage her instead of breaking her down. To me a messy house isn't as serious as cheating or drugs or anything more serious that might lead to a divorce. Unless of course he isn't in the relationship anymore anyways. Maybe he doesn't have the feelings for her & this is his breaking point, an easy way for him to leave. My SIL got a divorce because she just wasn't in the relationship anymore. She wanted to live HER life & be happy again. Now that they're divorced she's VERY happy with the relationship she now has with her ex husband.

GGisShort · #12 03-23-2009, 06:32 PM

I wonder what else is going on for her husband to say that? There is usually more to the story.
My husband does most of the cooking and cleaning since he has been laid off for so long and I am the one working. He gets pissy about it sometimes, but I remind him that if I was the one staying home and he was working that he would demand that I do these things. :0)

pinkflamingos77 · #13 03-23-2009, 06:34 PM

Maybe she is not into the marriage and does not care to do anything for him. Maybe he is an asshole and she has just given up on him the house and everything else. We are only hearing a part of the story. Maybe there is way more to this then what is being posted online.

Roxyrocks · #14 03-23-2009, 06:35 PM

I actually have meet her IRL a couple of times we are not friends by no means but have spoken a few times. Alexander is the same age as one of her kids and I am friends w/ another Mom on there and a bunch of them get together on a regular basic.

She is a good Mom from what I have seen her youngest is 4 I think and then she has a son Alexander age(8) and I believe her oldest is about 10

From her post I have seen on the board I notice she mentions a lot that she talks about how she doesnt like to clean and pretty much if its going to be done DH needs to do becuase it only bothers him. Also she doesnt want to work outside of the home I know this for a fact because one of the conversations I did have with her I was having a pitty party for myself

talking about how I have all these student loans for nursing school but dont plan on working as a nurse because I want to SAH and she made a comment that she doesn't think Mom's with young kids should work outside of the home

GGisShort · #15 03-23-2009, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roxyrocks

she made a comment that she doesn't think Mom's with young kids should work outside of the home

Or inside the home apparently.