What is wrong with parents these days?

lashon20 · #1 04-03-2009, 08:45 PM

I posted a thread the ther day on BBC about my boyfriend's 12 year old son being destructive and being allowed to do whatever when he's over our house and my boyfriend thinking I'm picking on him. We've been together for 3 years and we have a 2 year old and a 4 month old together and I also have a 8 year old son. He's broken a nintendo DS that I had bought for him and my son's nintendo ds also and those costs over $100. He's broke the handle on the computer chair and he almost broke the hard drive on the computer I just bought my son for $300. Then I talked about how lazy he is cause he complains about washing dishes and if I take him somewhere he complains about he tired and can't walk no more and other numerous things. But his father also thinks he's lazy and stays on the computer all day but doesn't put his foot down an do any thing about it. I complained about how he drunk almost an entire liter of pop in a couple hours. So when he does something wrng I complain to my boyfriend about it and my boyfriend thinks I'm picking on him. Which I'm not cause if my son does somethng wrong I get on him also. But my boyfriend will yell at my son or say I need to do so and so if he's done something wrong. But you don't see me saying you're picking on my child. My boyfriend lets his son stay up all day and night on the game on the computer. He does nothing else but sit up on the computer unless we're on it all day and decide to give it to him. But he doesn't read a book, go outside and play, or nothing. He just sits around all day hovering around us until we get off. He'll sit on the computer from 12 midnight or sometimes earlier all the way up until 8 or 9 in the morning. Thenif I'm not at home when my boyfriend have him log off he'll go upstairs and get on the other computer. One day he told me he wish we had coffee so he and stay up more. But these women on the BBC board had the nerve to think nothing is wrong with this behavior and that I'm wrong and picking on him. Then everyone wonders why kids are so out of control and have no respect for adults or any other authority.

Miles · #2 04-03-2009, 11:23 PM

Im so sorry hun. It sounds like the mother allows him to do it as well, if I was you Id tell your BF your take YOUR kids and leave while he is there. Its not fair to you or the other kids to deal with that. I see nothing wrong with you doing what your doing, your not picking on him your trying to be the adult and tell him what he is doing isnt right.
(((HUGS))))

earthmama · #3 04-04-2009, 12:09 AM

While his behavior is certainly not healthy, I would tend to be much more sympathetic to you based on this post rather than your other one.

Since you two have two children together and four children total you really need to get on the same page as far as parenting goes. I have to say being a step child can be really hard, especially if you feel you are not wanted. That being said no 12 year old needs to be up playing video games all night.

JeDeeLenae · #4 04-04-2009, 12:32 AM

Sounds like you and your BF need to have a talk. You're not on the same page, and as long as he thinks you're too hard on him, he'll take it easy. Sounds like you all need a family meeting so it's not so "my kids, our kids, his kids" around there.

hippydippymama · #5 04-04-2009, 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae

Sounds like you and your BF need to have a talk. You're not on the same page, and as long as he thinks you're too hard on him, he'll take it easy. Sounds like you all need a family meeting so it's not so "my kids, our kids, his kids" around there.

I agree. You are both parents to these kids. So you need to meet in the middle and work together, not against each other.

Archymomma · #6 04-04-2009, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae

Sounds like you and your BF need to have a talk. You're not on the same page, and as long as he thinks you're too hard on him, he'll take it easy. Sounds like you all need a family meeting so it's not so "my kids, our kids, his kids" around there.

exactly.
This is a house you share with your BF - it is your house, therefore rules for the children (yours, his, joint) should be agreed upon and THE SAME for all four kids.

NO 12 yr old should be up all night on a computer...No 12 yr old should be up at midnight period (IMHO). I would definately have a talk with BF and lay down rules. X amount of computer time. Chores for each child - age appropriate....if chores are done w/o complaint and on time maybe they can earn 15 minutes of computer/tv time, if not take away 15m of computer/tv time....

but in all honesty - you and BF need to be on the same page....if all of you are living in the same house - rules for kids are the same. Even 12 yr olds need some kind of structure to their lives.....

earthmama · #7 04-04-2009, 12:54 PM

you mentioned in your other thread that you will stay on the compute all day just to keep him of of it. A password is easy to set up and much more productive. There are programs that allow a sign in for each kid and you can set time limits too.

First and foremost you have to stop thinking in the "his kid" "my Kid" frame of mind.

Jenga · #8 04-04-2009, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthmamatobe

First and foremost you have to stop thinking in the "his kid" "my Kid" frame of mind.

I agree that OP needs to treat this boy as if he were her own, but he has a mother and OP isn't his mother, OP should not be trying to act as his mother or replace his mother. She's not Mom2, she's his Dad's girlfriend. He probably sees her as an outsider or an interloper. While the boy needs to respect OP in the house she shares with his Dad, it's up to his parents to discipline him and set boundaries. Those boundaries should be respecting his Dad's GF and following the rules in the house he's currently residing in. Not being destructive, being obediant and curteous... those are basic things that he clearly has no interest in doing right now.

He's probably mad that he has to leave his Mom to come to his Dad's house, where his Dad is dividing his love (we all know that's not true but that's how kids see it) between him and the little ones. He's acting out, which is totally not ok, but at this point he needs to be sat down by his Father and Mother and straightened out. He probably feels like his Dad doesn't love him as much as the younger ones because little ones need much more attention than older kids. He's probably hurting and this is how he's expressing himself.

Does he want to be visiting with his Dad? He's really this destructive and probably unhappy there, is is the same with his mom at her house? Maybe he needs a break from visiting with his Dad at his house, and they could do something together outside of the home where he doesn't have to compete with the other kids for attention. Yes, all kids need their Dads in their lives but at 12 he can choose whether or not he wants to see his father. He's clearly choosing to be a menace.

Your BF is treating your kid differently because simply put, he's not his child. He won't ever be your BFs child, and if your BF isn't treating him well then IDK why your BF is around. It's unfair to the 8 year old to be picked on daily. It shows him that he's less than the younger two children, that he's loved less because he's always being yelled at.
Again, that's not the case, but that's how he feels. The first time he did that to the 8 year old I'd tell him that it would be his last. Treating a child poorly is not excusable and is a deal breaker.

Maybe you need to leave when the 12 year old comes over, to protect your other children from seeing such horrible behavior and to protect your 8 year old from being bullied by a grown man.

Katiebear · #9 04-04-2009, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GirlsPlayWoW2

I agree that OP needs to treat this boy as if he were her own, but he has a mother and OP isn't his mother, OP should not be trying to act as his mother or replace his mother. She's not Mom2, she's his Dad's girlfriend. He probably sees her as an outsider or an interloper. While the boy needs to respect OP in the house she shares with his Dad, it's up to his parents to discipline him and set boundaries. Those boundaries should be respecting his Dad's GF and following the rules in the house he's currently residing in. Not being destructive, being obediant and curteous... those are basic things that he clearly has no interest in doing right now.

He's probably mad that he has to leave his Mom to come to his Dad's house, where his Dad is dividing his love (we all know that's not true but that's how kids see it) between him and the little ones. He's acting out, which is totally not ok, but at this point he needs to be sat down by his Father and Mother and straightened out. He probably feels like his Dad doesn't love him as much as the younger ones because little ones need much more attention than older kids. He's probably hurting and this is how he's expressing himself.

Does he want to be visiting with his Dad? He's really this destructive and probably unhappy there, is is the same with his mom at her house? Maybe he needs a break from visiting with his Dad at his house, and they could do something together outside of the home where he doesn't have to compete with the other kids for attention. Yes, all kids need their Dads in their lives but at 12 he can choose whether or not he wants to see his father. He's clearly choosing to be a menace.

Your BF is treating your kid differently because simply put, he's not his child. He won't ever be your BFs child, and if your BF isn't treating him well then IDK why your BF is around. It's unfair to the 8 year old to be picked on daily. It shows him that he's less than the younger two children, that he's loved less because he's always being yelled at.
Again, that's not the case, but that's how he feels. The first time he did that to the 8 year old I'd tell him that it would be his last. Treating a child poorly is not excusable and is a deal breaker.

Maybe you need to leave when the 12 year old comes over, to protect your other children from seeing such horrible behavior and to protect your 8 year old from being bullied by a grown man.

There is a lot of good advice in there for you.

If you're really looking to curb the computer habit with your step son, then there are things that you could do - put a password on the computer, remove the computer cord so he can't turn it on (if it's a desk top system), etc.

If you don't want your step son to drink that much soda, don't buy it. If you're upset because he's drinking too much and that's not healthy, that will solve the issue. If you're upset because he's having "more than his share", then I would suggest buying cans and having a one can a day rule (and if he breaks the rule then he looses privilages).

To be honest, it's not your role to be the disciplinarian in the relationship... you AREN'T his parent. He knows, you know it, your other kids know it and your boyfriend knows it. Your boyfriend should be dealing with his behaviour. If your boyfriend isn't interested in parenting, then maybe you need to look closer at your relationship - when you're going to be going through this with your younger children, is it going to be the same battle? Is it worth it? I think that the two of you should seek some sort of parental counselling together so you can get on the same page.

Jenga · #10 04-04-2009, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katiebear

If you're really looking to curb the computer habit with your step son, then there are things that you could do - put a password on the computer, remove the computer cord so he can't turn it on (if it's a desk top system), etc.

If you don't want your step son to drink that much soda, don't buy it. If you're upset because he's drinking too much and that's not healthy, that will solve the issue. If you're upset because he's having "more than his share", then I would suggest buying cans and having a one can a day rule (and if he breaks the rule then he looses privilages).

I think that the two of you should seek some sort of parental counselling together so you can get on the same page.

I think the one-can-a-day rule would be great. I don't think that kids should have free reign of the computer anyway, so he should have an account w/parental controls. Do you have Vista? With Vista you can actually set a time limit on whatever accounts you need it on. I thought that was pretty neat and I considered doing it to DH's account on his desktop as a prank

I agree about the parental/premarital (if that's what you intend on doing) counseling. But it really sounds like the ball is in your BF's court. I wonder how the young man acts when he's at his mom's house, maybe you can she could sit down and talk about his behavior if your BF isn't able to control his son.

momof2stepmomof3 · #11 04-05-2009, 05:20 AM

There is nothing like being a step parent. I have 3 stepkids ages 17, 14 and 9. Me and DH have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids together. My stepkids tested me so bad for the first 3 years. It was horrible and I hated being in my own house. When they were down it did not even feel like my house.

Step DS whom is 14 does nothing but suck soda down and sit with some video game in his hand. He will literally cry or bang his head on the wall if you take it.

They used to talk to me like a piece of crap when they were down. There mom put them up to it and it was so bad that I packed me and DD up and left. DS was in my belly at the time.

I told DS that it was my house too and I was not going to cook and clean up after them when they treat me like crap. he told them that they would not be able to come back until they changed the way they treated me. It is now 2 years later and they are great kids. We limit soda and tv, comp, and video games. While they are down they listen to me and my rules. you have to put your foot down now mama.

Jenga · #12 04-05-2009, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by momof2stepmomof3

There is nothing like being a step parent. I have 3 stepkids ages 17, 14 and 9. Me and DH have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids together. My stepkids tested me so bad for the first 3 years. It was horrible and I hated being in my own house. When they were down it did not even feel like my house.

Step DS whom is 14 does nothing but suck soda down and sit with some video game in his hand. He will literally cry or bang his head on the wall if you take it.

They used to talk to me like a piece of crap when they were down. There mom put them up to it and it was so bad that I packed me and DD up and left. DS was in my belly at the time.

I told DS that it was my house too and I was not going to cook and clean up after them when they treat me like crap. he told them that they would not be able to come back until they changed the way they treated me. It is now 2 years later and they are great kids. We limit soda and tv, comp, and video games. While they are down they listen to me and my rules. you have to put your foot down now mama.

Oh man, I'm sorry they treated you this way!!

Your house, your rules, glad to hear your DH stood up for you!

*~*Amanda*~* · #13 04-05-2009, 07:22 PM

We are in a similar situation-sort of. Where we are trying to put most of our focus is on DH and I. My children pick up quickly if DH and I are not working together as a team. Their behavior gets worse. I would start at the "top" and work your way down. per se. If you and your DH have serious issues getting on the same page I would HIGHLY recommend counseling. That is where we are at.

momof2stepmomof3 · #14 04-06-2009, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GirlsPlayWoW2

Oh man, I'm sorry they treated you this way!!

Your house, your rules, glad to hear your DH stood up for you!

he better. Youngest step DD came at me with a butcher knife and I was 7 mths pregnant. Then I was watching her one night while her daddy was next door and because I did not get him when she wanted she punched the window and broke it. Needed 17 stitches.

That child is horrible. I hate saying it but even my family said something is wrong with her and dh ex refuses to get her help. She will def have problems as she comes into adult hood.